Charge me more, and give me less
Junk food is an informal term applied to some foods that are perceived to have little or no nutritional value; to products with nutritional value, but which also have ingredients considered unhealthy when regularly eaten; or to those considered unhealthy to consume at all.
When I give in to the urge to eat junk food, I don't think that I should be required to wear a "Mark of Shame". When I decide to "pig out" on junk food, I don't worry about portion control, I need a bag, a large bag, a tucker bag. A tucker bag is a traditional food or dinner storage bag used in the Australian outback. Typically a tucker bag was carried by a swagman or bushman. In its basic design a tucker bag is a pouch or bag with a single entry typically closed with a drawstring.
I'm a "Waltzing Matilda" when I set my mind to go on a junk food binge. "Waltzing Matilda" is Australian slang for travelling by foot with one's goods in a "Matilda" (bag) slung over one's back. The song narrates the story of an itinerant worker, or swagman, making a drink of tea at a bush camp and capturing a sheep to eat. When the sheep's owner arrives with three police officers to arrest the worker for the theft, the worker commits suicide by drowning himself in the nearby watering hole, and then goes on to haunt the site.
Like the swagman, when I "pig out", I'm ready to eat a whole sheep. I imagine that this same swagman, if he was ready to do some kissing, would want more than a peck on the cheek. No Mariah Carey "air kisses for him. Not even the two-cheek air-kiss “dahhling.”
The air kiss (faire la bise) is a pretence of kissing: the lips are pursed as if kissing, but without actually touching the other person's body. When you faire la bise you do not actually kiss the other persons cheek but simply touch cheeks lightly and kiss the air. However, make sure you don't linger too long or it may taken the wrong way. You may have to explain that you really weren't making out with someone's wife, or, heaven forbid, your aunt. During the holidays, I like to add another facet to the air kiss by grasping the person's hands at chest level. This adds a degree of sincerity, but actually serves the purpose of allowing you to fend the person off, should they get too close.
Remember those big sloppy kisses you got from your pet dog when you were a kid? Hold that thought, if you want to advance from the "air kiss" mode to to the "make out" mode. This can be messy, and fraught with danger, but hey, every kid when going to school has to dodge in and around cars. The terminology is more grown up, with words like "snog juice" which is the excess spit that accumulates during messy make out sessions. Care must be taken to avoid bumping one another's noses - make sure to angle your face the opposite of the other to avoid this. Puckering-up is for your aunt, although some mouth movement and occasionally puckering in the midst of kissing is okay for effect.
I don't get many opportunities to faire la bise, “dahhling” and I am most certainly not overly concerned about "snog juice" ruining my meager wardrobe. I can only wish I had problems like that. However, armed with my "food stamp" card, I thought that I would take advantage of the post Halloween" candy sales and pig out on some Hershey Kisses.
I like most Americans enjoy my chocolate. I've read that people tend to consume more chocolate during Winter time. Yesterday was cold and raw. Imagine my surprise when I finally arrived back at the shelter and opened my first "kiss". Something was wrong. They looked the same. However, when I bit into the first kiss, it wasn't a "kiss". It wasn't a "peck". A "peck", even from a smelly aunt, is still a kiss. It wasn't even a little kiss on the cheek, a buss. It looked like they just drilled out holes in the chocolate, giving me less chocolate per delicious kiss.
Now I could lie and say that I am concerned about the impact these Hershey Air Delight Kisses will cause in the arts and craft world. How many elementary teachers will be snookered (dupe; "He was snookered by the con-man's smooth talk") during the Holidays? How many holiday Silver Bells won't be able to hang from family Christmas trees? I honestly don't care if all those "How To" blogs that incorporate Hershey kisses into cute ideas for brides and wedding decor will require major revisions and updates. I could care less if you can no longer make a rose out of 2 Hershey Kisses. Good luck trying.
A friend told me to quit complaining. She said that this was "good news". That I could eat 11 Air Delight Kisses for the same 200 calories as nine regular Hershey's Kisses. I didn't like the tune "Tiny Bubbles" when it was first released by Don Ho. And I don't like tiny bubbles in my Hershey's Kisses. Tiny bubbles never made me feel warm all over!
When I was a kid, a highlight on Christmas morning was sorting through all the "stuff" in our Christmas stockings. Yes, there was the requisite apple and orange. There also was an assortment of hard candy. Towards the middle, Oh Joy, there were packets of chocolate bells, and coins. Then, deeper still, there was a cream filled (not one of my favorites) Santa, and also a hollow chocolate Santa. Down the bottom, if we had been really good, would be the mother-load... the solid chocolate Santa. This would be eaten over several days. As you ate it you realized, yes, there was a god, and yes, someone certainly loved you.
Somehow, I don't think the kids this Christmas, when they get down to the bottom of their stockings, and heft their chocolate Hershey Air Delight Santa, are going to feel as loved as I did as a child. I fear that, when they take that first bite, and their teeth chomp down not on solid chocolate, but squishy chocolate "air bubbles", a curse, rather than a praise, will be lifted up to god on high. They'll be fewer cries of "Hallelujah", and probably a quite a few "Damn you Hershey" greeting the rising sun. Hopefully Santa won't be drawn into the scandal.
May I offer for you reading pleasure: It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot
You may also enjoy reading: Am I intellingent
May I also recommend for your enjoyment: Other stories about my time homeless and on the street
See links for all the Genesis posts to date: Genesis Through My Eyes
Come back often to see what these piglets are discussing. Pork may be on the menu. Menu changes frequently.
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